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Urban Assault

by Johnny Cumlately

Here’s a warning to would-be bike thieves and muggers—if you see a guy with an orange Chrome bag and a grey fixie, find someone else to fuck with. I’m a 38-year-old lifelong cyclist. I’ve been in quite a few confrontations in the past, but I’ve never felt as threatened as I did one night last October. Here’s my story…

I was on my way home, and after working 27 hours in 2 days, I was completely spent. I was riding at an uncharacteristically slow pace, looking forward to a hot meal, a cold beer, and a loving family. As I was traveling through downtown, I noticed two twenty-something guys stepping off the curb in the middle of the block. I continued at my slow pace and noticed that the two young men weren’t crossing the street at a perpendicular angle, but rather diagonally in my direction.